A Woman Walked Into CES . . . How to Manage Yourself – and Assholes in Tech

One of my coaching clients – a super smart, attractive and very impactful sales leader at a top tech firm – recounted what happened to her at this year’s Consumer Electronics Show (CES) in Las Vegas. She gave me permission to share this personal account of what is still, unfortunately, an all too frequent occurrence – and to share the techniques she learned to show up powerfully:

I was attending a friend's VC meetup at CES, where five minutes into this event, I'm approached by a male attendee who asks:

“Aren't you hot in that jacket?"

I tell him it is 47 degrees. I am fine, thank you.

He proceeds to chant: "Take it off, take it off, take it off!" A couple of his buddies chime in, like they are at a college frat party.

I decide I will not just smile and politely laugh this off. I looked at the rest of the men in my group and say, "This is NOT appropriate," followed by “*This* is an example of micro-aggressions that plague our tech culture.”  (definition of a micro-aggression: indirect, subtle, or unintentional discrimination against members of a marginalized group)

What immediately followed was one of the guys, grabbing my hand, holding up my ring finger shouting, "She's married, guys!" I felt he was well-meaning except that ...

1. I had just met him, and it was uncomfortable to have him grab my hand and put my ring finger on display.

2. I did not need “protection.”

3. Whether or not I am married is irrelevant.

I asked the group of men in front of me, who clearly didn't know whether to laugh or say something in the moment, if they feel it would be appropriate to chant "Take it off!" at any one of them.

Only then, did they get the point – and these were all respected VCs and entrepreneurs.

Yes, it’s still happening – in the year 2019.  Thanks to initiatives like the #Metoo movement, people now talk publicly about such incidents. But the needle still has not moved far enough or fast enough. Like my client, you might well find yourself in a similar situation. If so, I have two recommendations:

Words – Practice out loud ahead of time a few things you might say.

My client found a great resource in a group called Allyship. Brought in by her employer to help women – and for that matter anyone at the company who felt marginalized – this group helped her find and practice language for just such scenarios.  My client also learned that you can "say something" without implying the other person needs "rescuing.” For example, if you observed something that makes you feel uncomfortable, you can always say, "Hey, that didn't sit right with me.” The emphasis is on how you felt, not about assuming how the target felt.

Body + Emotions – Have a few “micro-practices” at ready to steady your nerves.

No matter how many times you are subjected to offensive comments and actions, or think you are mentally prepared, it still shocks the system. All of a sudden, instead of saying what you had intended, you either say nothing (“freeze”). Or, you say something in a manner that attacks (“fight”). Or, you laugh it off or find another way to leave the group or conversation and saying nothing (“flight”). What if instead, you could calm yourself down and say what you really want to say – like my courageous client did?

As one part of our coaching together, we had worked on “getting settled” as quickly as possible after the initial shock of any difficult interaction. With increased mastery of this skill, she was able to not only deliver her message, but do so in the way she wanted. In her words:  “I acknowledged how I felt in the moment, remained calm, and responded gracefully.”  Leaders who are able to do this well have what I call “body intelligence,” or “BQ.”  (To dig in deeper, read my article Body Intelligence – A New Competitive Advantage.)

If you – or your team – want to learn how to show up more powerfully and effectively in a variety of high stakes situations, please reach out – this goes for men as well as women. Getting triggered – or not understanding the impact of your words or actions – does not discriminate.

I coach rising and senior executives, and founders to show up more powerful and effective – when the stakes are high. I also design and facilitate innovative – and highly effective – emotional intelligence programs, including Search Inside Yourself, the brain-based leadership program developed at Google.